Report: People Taking Ping Pong Way Too Seriously
Posted 10/21/2010
a satirical piece by Tyler LaRose
At first glance, this looks like a real sport.
It’s just a game, but good luck telling that to the dozens of students who have reportedly been taking ping pong way too seriously this year.The Marcovich Wellness Center has been invaded by a wave of “athletes” who do nothing but play ping pong, thinking that it is a real sport.
“Sometimes they are in here for hours on end, and all they do is play ping pong,” claimed one of the Wellness Center’s welcome-desk workers. “I even saw a couple of them sweating the other day, after they were done playing,” he added.
“The Marcovich Wellness Center owns two ping pong tables, which have been open to students for recreational use since the building opened,” said an MWC spokesperson. Adding, “We put emphasis on the word ‘recreational’. We never thought it would get this out of hand.”
Reports surfaced earlier this month that as many as twenty students have been spending significant portions of their time in the MWC, playing exclusively ping pong. They even dress in shorts and sleeveless shirts, clothing that are generally reserved for actual athletes who play actual sports.
But supporters of the ping pong movement argue that ping pong is indeed a real sport. “It’s in the Olympics,” argued one avid ping pong player. “I want to be an athlete, but I can’t run, throw or kick anything, so I play table tennis.”
Calling it “table tennis” is the first sign that someone is taking ping pong too seriously. Players who wear sweat bands when they play are also going too far, as are players who grunt after each shot, similar to women tennis players.
The Campus Recreation department has gone as far as to add ping pong to the list of intramural sports, in an attempt to appease its disillusioned participants.
“There are worse things these kids could be doing all day,” commented an MWC official. “Even though playing ping pong for hours is beyond foolish, at least they’re not out getting into trouble.”
Yet sadly, it seems these thrill seekers may never be fully accepted.
When interviewed, one frustrated student-athlete complained, “Look at the way they’re using those beer pong tables! That’s not what [the tables] were invented for. I mean, those guys probably aren’t even drunk!”
“Sometimes they are in here for hours on end, and all they do is play ping pong,” claimed one of the Wellness Center’s welcome-desk workers. “I even saw a couple of them sweating the other day, after they were done playing,” he added.
“The Marcovich Wellness Center owns two ping pong tables, which have been open to students for recreational use since the building opened,” said an MWC spokesperson. Adding, “We put emphasis on the word ‘recreational’. We never thought it would get this out of hand.”
Reports surfaced earlier this month that as many as twenty students have been spending significant portions of their time in the MWC, playing exclusively ping pong. They even dress in shorts and sleeveless shirts, clothing that are generally reserved for actual athletes who play actual sports.
But supporters of the ping pong movement argue that ping pong is indeed a real sport. “It’s in the Olympics,” argued one avid ping pong player. “I want to be an athlete, but I can’t run, throw or kick anything, so I play table tennis.”
Calling it “table tennis” is the first sign that someone is taking ping pong too seriously. Players who wear sweat bands when they play are also going too far, as are players who grunt after each shot, similar to women tennis players.
The Campus Recreation department has gone as far as to add ping pong to the list of intramural sports, in an attempt to appease its disillusioned participants.
“There are worse things these kids could be doing all day,” commented an MWC official. “Even though playing ping pong for hours is beyond foolish, at least they’re not out getting into trouble.”
Yet sadly, it seems these thrill seekers may never be fully accepted.
When interviewed, one frustrated student-athlete complained, “Look at the way they’re using those beer pong tables! That’s not what [the tables] were invented for. I mean, those guys probably aren’t even drunk!”
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