Off the Beaten Path
Posted 12/03/2010
a satirical piece by Tyler LaRose
This path was believed to cut 7 seconds off your time walking
from your car to McCaskill.
from your car to McCaskill.
With winter rapidly approaching—and the daily commute around campus becoming ever more challenging—there is really only one question on students’ minds: Are we seriously going to start having to walk on the sidewalks again?
Since virtually day one of classes, a literal group of trailblazers has been carving paths through UWS lawns, in an overt attempt to shave up to ten seconds off their time spent outside every day.
However, winter weather is quickly leading to less-than-ideal walking conditions. It is being advised that students return to wking on campus sidewalks—which are strenuously salted, and never icy—in order to avoid slipping on the ice that will build up on the man-made trails.
But try telling that to a student who only has ten minutes to walk from the YU to Barstow!
Despite pressure from campus brass to not walk on the un-shoveled and icy paths, students remain adamant, arguing that the sidewalks on campus are “put in stupid curvy designs” that “promote a round-about way of getting to class”, as one student stated.
“The reason for the sidewalks curved design is it was believed to be a more aesthetic approach to otherwise dull-looking asphalt. It just looks nicer”, commented a university official. “We recognize that it’s not the fastest way to get around, but so what?”
Many sidewalk sympathizers argue that the shortcut paths are an eye-sore, and turn the lawns of UWS muddy and dead. They also say that walking outside isn’t such a big deal; that students should get used to it.
“Well how the hell am I going to wear basketball shorts to class if I have to walk outside all the time? I mean come on, this is college!” protests one student as he walks across a muddy path. He refused to comment on the muddiness of his shoes.
“Here’s how this works”, started Assistant Professor of Biology Nick Danz, “they start walking on the path, then a week later it gets packed-down and muddy. So then they walk alongside the path to avoid the mud. This only makes the damn path three times wider than it was! If this goes on much longer, there won’t be a lawn, just a mud hole. This is an atrocity on grass!”
Sidewalk controversies do not end here. In the wake of the new Swenson Hall opening, many students have already noted that the black-top walkways are not only a completely different color than the rest of the university’s sidewalks, but are also curved and represent an indirect way of getting around.
“It will certainly not be long before those sidewalks are fully neglected”, added Danz. “We’ve put a lot of money into these sidewalks, and it is a shame to see them ignored like this. Maybe we should start planting grass on the sidewalks. At least it’d never be trampled there.”
Since virtually day one of classes, a literal group of trailblazers has been carving paths through UWS lawns, in an overt attempt to shave up to ten seconds off their time spent outside every day.
However, winter weather is quickly leading to less-than-ideal walking conditions. It is being advised that students return to wking on campus sidewalks—which are strenuously salted, and never icy—in order to avoid slipping on the ice that will build up on the man-made trails.
But try telling that to a student who only has ten minutes to walk from the YU to Barstow!
Despite pressure from campus brass to not walk on the un-shoveled and icy paths, students remain adamant, arguing that the sidewalks on campus are “put in stupid curvy designs” that “promote a round-about way of getting to class”, as one student stated.
“The reason for the sidewalks curved design is it was believed to be a more aesthetic approach to otherwise dull-looking asphalt. It just looks nicer”, commented a university official. “We recognize that it’s not the fastest way to get around, but so what?”
Many sidewalk sympathizers argue that the shortcut paths are an eye-sore, and turn the lawns of UWS muddy and dead. They also say that walking outside isn’t such a big deal; that students should get used to it.
“Well how the hell am I going to wear basketball shorts to class if I have to walk outside all the time? I mean come on, this is college!” protests one student as he walks across a muddy path. He refused to comment on the muddiness of his shoes.
“Here’s how this works”, started Assistant Professor of Biology Nick Danz, “they start walking on the path, then a week later it gets packed-down and muddy. So then they walk alongside the path to avoid the mud. This only makes the damn path three times wider than it was! If this goes on much longer, there won’t be a lawn, just a mud hole. This is an atrocity on grass!”
Sidewalk controversies do not end here. In the wake of the new Swenson Hall opening, many students have already noted that the black-top walkways are not only a completely different color than the rest of the university’s sidewalks, but are also curved and represent an indirect way of getting around.
“It will certainly not be long before those sidewalks are fully neglected”, added Danz. “We’ve put a lot of money into these sidewalks, and it is a shame to see them ignored like this. Maybe we should start planting grass on the sidewalks. At least it’d never be trampled there.”
Students who were only kind of in a hurry took the left path. Those who really had somewhere
to get took the right path. Almost nobody took the sidewalk.
to get took the right path. Almost nobody took the sidewalk.
PHOTO OF THE DAY:::...
Art in the park. Photo by Alyssa Palmer
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