I watched The Rite for this week’s movie, mostly because it has Anthony Hopkins. I like Anthony Hopkins; I don’t like exorcism movies.

It’s not that I hate them all. The Last Exorcism was good, as was the obvious pick, The Exorcist. But by and large, movies that deal with exorcism tend to draw too much from the same well. Take for example the following overdone plot-elements.

• A crisis of faith, often on behalf of the priest performing the exorcism.
• A possessed young girl. (I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie in which a young man was possessed.)
• The skeptic or atheist that undergoes a glorious transition to faith. (Dangerously similar to the crisis of faith, I admit.)
• The claim that the film is based on true events.

The Rite doesn’t manage to avoid many of these, if any. Furthermore, it kick-starts the stupid boosters from the get go by using one of the most tired and sad protagonist motivators under the sun.

Allow me to explain.

Sometimes in movies writers can’t think of a good reason to make their characters do what they’d like them to do. That’s a valid concern and it usually springs from the fact that you’re making your character do something terribly stupid or uncharacteristic. This conundrum will often make a writer reconsider the way they’re writing a story and force them to re-work some integral part of the plot to make it functional; other times, the writer will just use the bad motivation anyway, even thought it’s pretty ridiculous. In the case of The Rite, the writers chose the latter.

The main character, Michael, isn’t religious, yet he decides to go to seminary school because that’s what his family does – they either become morticians or priests. He doesn’t want to do either of those things, nor can his father compel him to do so; the film actually goes so far as to show us that Michael isn’t relying on his father’s money to attend college, so the threat of severance from the family fortune certainly isn’t in the picture. So, basically, Michael decides to go to school to be a priest just to avoid an awkward conversation in which he explains to his father that he doesn’t want a life of celibacy or corpse grooming.

Yes, I realize it’s but a small stitch in the grand tapestry of the movie. I just have a very hard time buying the fact that this guy, who can’t even confront his dad, will somehow go on to battle Satan. Color me skeptical.

As for the remainder of the film, it doesn’t do much better. The plot is predictable: nothing surprises, nothing titillates, and nothing breaks new ground. The tragedy of the failure is enhanced by virtue of the fact that Anthony Hopkins – Hannibal Lecter, Van Helsing, Titus Andronicus – is involved. With a more interesting story, he could have shot this film into the stratosphere; alas, his performance is wasted amidst the wreckage here.

My recommendation, for those of you that wish to have it, would be to spend your exorcism dollars elsewhere. The Last Exorcism just came out on DVD, or you could always take a trip down memory lane and check out the OG of all exorcism films, The Exorcist. The former is more original than most exorcism movies, and the latter is, well, The Exorcist; it was freaking people out well before The Rite was even a glimmer in Hollywood’s eye, and it withstands the test of time.

And with that valuable nugget I’m off to find a likely candidate for next week’s review and to make my plans for the upcoming Oscars. Until then, try to not go getting all possessed on me.