Having six installments is not something that a lot of movies can claim. Off the top of my head, Friday the 13th is the only franchise I can think of that’s done it – aside from Saw, that is.

You would think that a movie with six installments would be something impressive, or maybe that it would be of such high quality that it simply couldn’t be left to just one movie. As it happens, I just watched the seventh Saw movie, and I’ll be the first to tell you – you’d be absolutely right.

Saw 3D is one of the most amazing and intelligent horror movies that I’ve seen in my life. To be completely frank, I hadn’t watched any of the earlier Saw films aside from the first, which I thought was mediocre. Needless to say, after watching this installment, I was blown away.

The plot, which seems to be lacking in so many of our modern movies, is a labyrinthine and complex affair in Saw 3D. The characters are desperately believable, and you can’t help but be right there with them through each and every horrifying tribulation they endure. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that there hasn’t been plot writing done at this level since the dawn of the blockbuster. As a story, this film is just amazing.

Visually speaking, the film is also a delight. Shot in 3D – a technical achievement that could very well be the most positive thing to ever happen to celluloid – the film is a breathtaking spectacle of horror. I was worried prior to watching the film that the creators would potentially put the 3D to use in ridiculous ways, but they never did; the film is tasteful and classy throughout.

As a matter of fact, it was so good that you should go see it right now. Stop reading; go see it before you finish reading this review. Make sure you’ve watched it all before you come back and finish reading. No peaking.

 

Okay. You’re back. I’m sure you realize that I was lying about all that stuff up there. I apologize for that.

I’m sorry I lied to you, but I did it for two reasons. First, I didn’t want to be the only person that had been duped into watching Saw 3D – now you’re in my club of misery, too. Second, I couldn’t explain to you how bad Saw 3D really is without you having watched it for yourself. So, now that you’re “in the know” let’s talk.

The first Saw movie – which I really did see – at least had a coherent plot. It kept you guessing a bit, and the gruesome segments had a function. They were there to drive the plot. It may not have been a great movie, but it was certainly watchable.

This new Saw film is more like the product of a perverse think-tank of mechanical engineers and serial killers – and though it may be odd for me to say so, I don’t mean that in a good way.  

The thing is, I don’t have anything against gore when it serves a function in a film. It can even be gratuitous as long as it’s fun. But in order for it to be fun, you’ve got to string it together with a plot that makes sense.

Remember that old board game Mouse Trap? It would take the average 10 year old about 2 hours to set the game up; by the time you got done, you would hardly feel like playing since the game-play was actually pretty lame. So you would just sit there for twenty or so minutes, making the mouse trap go off over and over again, never actually playing the game. Saw 3D is like that.

The mousetraps might be cool, but the game play is pretty damn lame. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch the animated version of the Hobbit ten or twenty times to scour this experience from my brain. Once more, I apologize to you for my trick playing.

I’ll do better next week. I promise.