Movie Review: Ninja Assassin
11/30/2009
By Daniel Pickles
Staff Writer
Ninja Assassin (2009)
Directed By: James McTeigue
Starring: Naomie Harris, Rain, Ben Miles
Rated: R
Run-Time: 99 Mins.
It’s nice to let your friends pick the movie sometimes. I tend to gravitate toward a very specific type of movie, so letting my friends pick helps me take off my blinders and see something that I may not have watched otherwise. Unfortunately, sometimes it also causes me to wind up watching things like Ninja Assassin.
The plot, for what it’s worth, is as follows. Mika, a forensic investigator, persuades her boss at Europol to start investigating several instances of ninja-like phenomena. The perpetrators of the ninja-like phenomena (spoiler: it’s ninjas) catch wind of the investigation and set out to murder Mika in order to keep their precious ninja-secrets under wraps.
Fortunately for Mika, a rogue-ninja named Raizo discovers the assassination plot (exactly how he does this is never explained to us, so I’ll chalk it up to ninja-magic) and decides to help her. From here, the movie becomes a non-stop ninja-gauntlet, filled with arterial spray, severed limbs, and ninja-whispers.
If it sounds bad, I’m doing my job. This is a terrible, terrible, plotless abomination of a movie, and I should know – I’m something of a ninja-movie scholar. You see, my formative elementary school years coincided with what was arguably the heyday of the American ninja movie (can you guess my age?).
During this ninja golden age to which I’m referring, a production company by the name of Cannon Films ruled the scene, churning out low-budget action movies like there was no tomorrow. Cannon had their fingers in every single awesomeness pie that my young mind could imagine. Not only did they produce top-notch (or so they seemed to my young sensibilities) ninja movies, but they also dabbled in Chuck Norris, horror flicks, and the occasional art-film.
Cannon ninja movies may have been horribly campy, and the plots may have been outlandish, but they were entertaining. Ninja Assassin is boring, boring, boring, and its plot is about as interesting as the instructions printed on the side of a shampoo bottle. It’s a big vortex of shiny special effects that collapses upon itself to form a blackhole of crap.
I draw the comparison between Cannon ninja-movies and Ninja Assassin to make a point: Ninja Assassin uses special effects as a crutch, as many modern movies do. These films seem to operate under the assumption that if you throw enough CGI into the mix, it will fix any problem – even the absence of an intelligent plot.
Cannon films may have released many cheap and exploitative movies, but they were always resourceful in their thriftiness, and they always seemed to be trying. The only thing that Ninja Assassin tries to do is grind by on special effects alone.
In the admittedly limited number of reviews that I’ve submitted for your enjoyment, I’ve typically tried to tie the movie in with the culture of its time in some form or fashion. I truly believe that movies always have something to say about society – even if it’s said unintentionally.
I think the following metaphor properly explains the message of Ninja Assassin. I hope you enjoy it.
I’ve heard in the past, people used to trap monkeys by putting a shiny, worthless bauble in the bottom of a box with a hole cut in the top. Along would come the monkey, who would spot the bauble, grab it, and attempt to extract it from the box. Unfortunately for the monkey, this worthless, shiny bauble was too big to fit through the box-hole. The monkey, being a tenacious creature, would sit there and hold the trapped bauble until the hunter showed up. I’m sure you can guess how the story goes from there.
For those of you that aren’t fans of metaphors, here’s a key to assist in your understanding of that last part:
- Theaters are the box.
- Ninja Assassin is the shiny, worthless bauble.
- We are the monkeys.
- Our money is the monkey-part for which we are hunted.
- Hollywood is the city from which the monkey-hunters come.
So, to all of you that did as I did and spent money to see Ninja Assassin, I say: welcome to the monkey-trap. To the rest of you, there is still hope. Go see something else, and don’t let your monkey-parts fall into the wrong hands.
Directed By: James McTeigue
Starring: Naomie Harris, Rain, Ben Miles
Rated: R
Run-Time: 99 Mins.
It’s nice to let your friends pick the movie sometimes. I tend to gravitate toward a very specific type of movie, so letting my friends pick helps me take off my blinders and see something that I may not have watched otherwise. Unfortunately, sometimes it also causes me to wind up watching things like Ninja Assassin.
The plot, for what it’s worth, is as follows. Mika, a forensic investigator, persuades her boss at Europol to start investigating several instances of ninja-like phenomena. The perpetrators of the ninja-like phenomena (spoiler: it’s ninjas) catch wind of the investigation and set out to murder Mika in order to keep their precious ninja-secrets under wraps.
Fortunately for Mika, a rogue-ninja named Raizo discovers the assassination plot (exactly how he does this is never explained to us, so I’ll chalk it up to ninja-magic) and decides to help her. From here, the movie becomes a non-stop ninja-gauntlet, filled with arterial spray, severed limbs, and ninja-whispers.
If it sounds bad, I’m doing my job. This is a terrible, terrible, plotless abomination of a movie, and I should know – I’m something of a ninja-movie scholar. You see, my formative elementary school years coincided with what was arguably the heyday of the American ninja movie (can you guess my age?).
During this ninja golden age to which I’m referring, a production company by the name of Cannon Films ruled the scene, churning out low-budget action movies like there was no tomorrow. Cannon had their fingers in every single awesomeness pie that my young mind could imagine. Not only did they produce top-notch (or so they seemed to my young sensibilities) ninja movies, but they also dabbled in Chuck Norris, horror flicks, and the occasional art-film.
Cannon ninja movies may have been horribly campy, and the plots may have been outlandish, but they were entertaining. Ninja Assassin is boring, boring, boring, and its plot is about as interesting as the instructions printed on the side of a shampoo bottle. It’s a big vortex of shiny special effects that collapses upon itself to form a blackhole of crap.
I draw the comparison between Cannon ninja-movies and Ninja Assassin to make a point: Ninja Assassin uses special effects as a crutch, as many modern movies do. These films seem to operate under the assumption that if you throw enough CGI into the mix, it will fix any problem – even the absence of an intelligent plot.
Cannon films may have released many cheap and exploitative movies, but they were always resourceful in their thriftiness, and they always seemed to be trying. The only thing that Ninja Assassin tries to do is grind by on special effects alone.
In the admittedly limited number of reviews that I’ve submitted for your enjoyment, I’ve typically tried to tie the movie in with the culture of its time in some form or fashion. I truly believe that movies always have something to say about society – even if it’s said unintentionally.
I think the following metaphor properly explains the message of Ninja Assassin. I hope you enjoy it.
I’ve heard in the past, people used to trap monkeys by putting a shiny, worthless bauble in the bottom of a box with a hole cut in the top. Along would come the monkey, who would spot the bauble, grab it, and attempt to extract it from the box. Unfortunately for the monkey, this worthless, shiny bauble was too big to fit through the box-hole. The monkey, being a tenacious creature, would sit there and hold the trapped bauble until the hunter showed up. I’m sure you can guess how the story goes from there.
For those of you that aren’t fans of metaphors, here’s a key to assist in your understanding of that last part:
- Theaters are the box.
- Ninja Assassin is the shiny, worthless bauble.
- We are the monkeys.
- Our money is the monkey-part for which we are hunted.
- Hollywood is the city from which the monkey-hunters come.
So, to all of you that did as I did and spent money to see Ninja Assassin, I say: welcome to the monkey-trap. To the rest of you, there is still hope. Go see something else, and don’t let your monkey-parts fall into the wrong hands.
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