Movie review: Avatar

12/21/2009
By Daniel Pickles
Staff Writer

If the Internet is to be trusted, Avatar is going to change all of our lives. 

Upon its release, all wars will end. Cthulhu will begin stirring in the Pacific, and Unicorns will ascend from the heavens to frolic amidst mortals. Humans will try to ride these unicorns, but all of them will fail; all but James Cameron, that is. 

A series of intense scientific tests will be performed on Cameron to determine why the Unicorn society so readily accepts him while shunning all other mortals. During the course of these tests, it shall be discovered that he is, in fact, more god than man. 

At this point, Zeus will enter the picture and reveal that he fathered James Cameron with a mortal woman. He will then present Cameron with a +8 sword, and proclaim him a 40th level wizard. The two will then hop on nearby unicorns and fly off into the sunset. 

Oh, and the world will stop making movies because James Cameron has done it all with Avatar. No one can top it, so the world will collectively give up. 

Or at least, this is what will happen if the internet is to be trusted. 

Despite what much of the Internet has to say, Avatar is nothing new. It’s the same tired old sow that Hollywood has been trotting out for years. Sure, Cameron has put some nice makeup on the sow; but fundamentally, there’s nothing new. 

I’m not going to recount the plot for you, since I feel like the 2.5 hours I’ve already spent on this film is much more than it deserved. Here’s the basic formula used in this movie (and many others - examples below).

1.       Protagonist hates or wars against a group of people.
2.       Protagonist is captured by, or otherwise forced by circumstance to live with, said people.
3.       Over time, protagonist comes to realize how beautiful and wise said people are.
4.       Said people come under attack from the protagonist’s people.
5.       Protagonist helps defend said people. 
 
Let’s get straight into the complaints then, shall we? 

First, the film’s characters have all the charm and depth of a mysteriously soggy playing card. If you find yourself watching a film in which Michelle Rodriguez’s awful one-liner acting doesn’t stand out, you, my friend, are in trouble. Everyone in the movie is utterly predictable, and does only what you would expect of them. Don’t bother holding your breath for any surprises. 

And if the characters sound bad, the plot is where the movie really breaks apart. The story is one we’ve heard a million times. The Internet is rampant with good examples of movies that use similar devices, so I’ll try to make mine as obscure as possible: The Emerald Forest (1985), Enemy Mine (1985), and, to a certain degree, Dune (1984). 

This isn’t to say that Cameron’s movie is bad simply because he uses a plot that’s been done before – many fine movies are made by reassembling the corpses of their predecessors; it’s bad because we’ve seen too much of this before. The solder-hating scientists that want nothing more than to study the indigenous culture; the scientist-hating soldiers that believe violence is the only way; the peaceful and earthy indigenous population that is forced to fight or move aside for industry. 

Please. Visuals are no replacement for substance or character, and this movie is as devoid of those as any number of soulless wads churned out in recent years. 

The bottom line is this: If you have to see Avatar, bring earmuffs. It looks very impressive; I can’t deny that. The special effects are insane –  and that’s it. There’s nothing else happening here.