A letter to Hollywood
3/25/2010
By Dan Pickles
Dear Hollywood,
It’s been a long time since we’ve talked. By now I’m sure you’ve heard the things that I’ve been saying about you. I would offer to apologize, but we both know that it would be an empty gesture. We don’t like one another, and I can accept that - nevertheless, I think it’s important that we keep these lines of communication open. After all, we can’t help but cross paths at the local theaters every now and then.
Having said that, there is one matter that I feel I need to address with you immediately, if for no other reason than to diffuse my anger at your actions. I’m sure you already know to what I’m referring, so I’ll get right to my point.
Time and time again, I have expressed my disdain for your filthy urge to tread upon a man for whom I hold great affection. It is my wish - nay, my command - that you immediately cease and desist any further attempts to remake George Romero movies.
Undoubtedly, you’ll be laughing right now - as you should be. After all, you are powerful, and suave, and you understand concepts like “business” and “obviation” and “quarterly expectations” and “hygiene” and many other things of which I may never develop a full understanding. Despite your obvious superiority, I feel I must attempt to show you the error of your ways.
Please, allow me to offer you some compelling evidence to back up my command.
First, you lack finesse. Your recent remake of The Crazies was essentially a zombie movie. This not only illustrates a gross misunderstanding of the source material, but also displays a flagrant lack of vision. If you can’t be bothered to take the time to understand the concepts of the movie you’re remaking, why spend the money to remake it at all?
The original Crazies was an indictment of Vietnam, and the practices of that era’s government. Call me crazy (pun intended) but I sincerely doubt that the government has done such a bang-up job of cleaning up its act that it’s above satire nowadays. Do you even read the news anymore?
The second problem is of a slightly more delicate nature than my previous complaints. Before I begin, I want you to know that while I do in fact dislike you, I only mention this in your best interest.
I think that your fixation with special effects has reached an unhealthy level. It’s become clear that you aren’t just “having a good time” anymore - you’re addicted. Explosions and computer generated images are an emotional crutch for you, and it just has to stop.
To illustrate my point, let’s consider Dawn of the Dead for a moment. The original Dawn of the Dead was about the consumerist transformation that was taking place in its era. It was an exciting film in almost every way, but it also made you think.
What was your Dawn of the Dead remake trying to make me think about, I wonder? Was there deep social commentary buried in your sprinting zombies, or in those adorable cameos of people from the original movie? Perhaps the scene with the zombie-baby was your homage to modern motherhood?
Something tells me it wasn’t, though.
Something tells me it’s more likely that you were sitting around drinking a ridiculously-sized energy drink, listening to Nickelback, and you suddenly had a Taurine-induced vision of how “epic” it would be to have a zombie baby in your movie - an epiphany that Peter Jackson had fourteen years prior, I might add.
Hopefully you see my point. The reason Dawn of the Dead was so good - likely one of the same reasons that convinced you to remake it - was because it said something. We live in a turbulent world; your movies have a lot to talk about, though they usually don’t bother.
So, here we find ourselves back at the original point. Please stop remaking George Romero movies. It’s a new decade, with new problems - why not spend some time innovating for the future (and no, I don’t mean by increasing the amount of pixels you can cram into the twitching eyelids of your latest blue abominations). Start having some vision. Start being subversive. Stop remaking Romero.
And while you’re at it, leave those poor, foreign horror movies alone, too. Your remakes of The Eye, The Grudge, and Dark Water were all shamefully pathetic. And what the hell was the deal with the deer attack in The Ring 2?
Wishing you all the best,
-Dan Pickles.
It’s been a long time since we’ve talked. By now I’m sure you’ve heard the things that I’ve been saying about you. I would offer to apologize, but we both know that it would be an empty gesture. We don’t like one another, and I can accept that - nevertheless, I think it’s important that we keep these lines of communication open. After all, we can’t help but cross paths at the local theaters every now and then.
Having said that, there is one matter that I feel I need to address with you immediately, if for no other reason than to diffuse my anger at your actions. I’m sure you already know to what I’m referring, so I’ll get right to my point.
Time and time again, I have expressed my disdain for your filthy urge to tread upon a man for whom I hold great affection. It is my wish - nay, my command - that you immediately cease and desist any further attempts to remake George Romero movies.
Undoubtedly, you’ll be laughing right now - as you should be. After all, you are powerful, and suave, and you understand concepts like “business” and “obviation” and “quarterly expectations” and “hygiene” and many other things of which I may never develop a full understanding. Despite your obvious superiority, I feel I must attempt to show you the error of your ways.
Please, allow me to offer you some compelling evidence to back up my command.
First, you lack finesse. Your recent remake of The Crazies was essentially a zombie movie. This not only illustrates a gross misunderstanding of the source material, but also displays a flagrant lack of vision. If you can’t be bothered to take the time to understand the concepts of the movie you’re remaking, why spend the money to remake it at all?
The original Crazies was an indictment of Vietnam, and the practices of that era’s government. Call me crazy (pun intended) but I sincerely doubt that the government has done such a bang-up job of cleaning up its act that it’s above satire nowadays. Do you even read the news anymore?
The second problem is of a slightly more delicate nature than my previous complaints. Before I begin, I want you to know that while I do in fact dislike you, I only mention this in your best interest.
I think that your fixation with special effects has reached an unhealthy level. It’s become clear that you aren’t just “having a good time” anymore - you’re addicted. Explosions and computer generated images are an emotional crutch for you, and it just has to stop.
To illustrate my point, let’s consider Dawn of the Dead for a moment. The original Dawn of the Dead was about the consumerist transformation that was taking place in its era. It was an exciting film in almost every way, but it also made you think.
What was your Dawn of the Dead remake trying to make me think about, I wonder? Was there deep social commentary buried in your sprinting zombies, or in those adorable cameos of people from the original movie? Perhaps the scene with the zombie-baby was your homage to modern motherhood?
Something tells me it wasn’t, though.
Something tells me it’s more likely that you were sitting around drinking a ridiculously-sized energy drink, listening to Nickelback, and you suddenly had a Taurine-induced vision of how “epic” it would be to have a zombie baby in your movie - an epiphany that Peter Jackson had fourteen years prior, I might add.
Hopefully you see my point. The reason Dawn of the Dead was so good - likely one of the same reasons that convinced you to remake it - was because it said something. We live in a turbulent world; your movies have a lot to talk about, though they usually don’t bother.
So, here we find ourselves back at the original point. Please stop remaking George Romero movies. It’s a new decade, with new problems - why not spend some time innovating for the future (and no, I don’t mean by increasing the amount of pixels you can cram into the twitching eyelids of your latest blue abominations). Start having some vision. Start being subversive. Stop remaking Romero.
And while you’re at it, leave those poor, foreign horror movies alone, too. Your remakes of The Eye, The Grudge, and Dark Water were all shamefully pathetic. And what the hell was the deal with the deer attack in The Ring 2?
Wishing you all the best,
-Dan Pickles.
PHOTO OF THE DAY:::...
Art in the park. Photo by Alyssa Palmer
WEATHER:::...
Call the University Weather Hotline for campus closures and other weather updates 1-715-394-8400
FIND US ON:::...
